Can't Live Without You
by Andi Horton
Summary: Pre Five Years, Post Just That. Something Vaughn might bring up in a moment of insecurity, and how Sydney would reassure him.


Can't Live Without You

O0O0O0O

"Sweetie? That you?" I poked my head around the door frame, and saw that it was, indeed, my husband who was coming in the front door.

"Oh, good. You're just in time. I'm looking at swatches of material for the nursery. I still say it's going to be a boy, but since you're so dead set on it being a girl, it'll have to be something gender-neutral, just to appease you. I like yellow, and maybe pale blue with pink?"

"That sounds wonderful, Sydney," he smiled, and I thought I detected something off in his tone.

"Mike?" I asked, coming out all the way to stand in the front hall, revealing my swollen stomach, the product of a rainy night's indiscretion some eight months previously.

"Yes?" he looked up from kicking off his shoes.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, Sweetheart. Should something be wrong?" he smiled, coming over to kiss first, me, then my stomach, then me again.

"Mike, don't play with me. What is it?"

"Syd, I don't know what you're talking about."

I squinted at him, studying his face. At last I nodded. "Yes, you do. Now, what is it?"

"Sydney, there's nothing. Why don't you believe me?"

"I don't believe you because you aren't telling me the truth. Mike, I love you. More than I ever thought I could love anybody, I love you. I also know you. You are not the best liar. Sometimes I'm even surprised they let you into the CIA, actually. You are just that bad at lying. There's something up, and it's something _wrong_ because you're denying it."

"Syd, I-" he broke off when he saw may face, and saw in it that I was not going to buy anything from him but the truth. He sighed, rubbed his face with one hand, and nodded towards the living room.

"How about we sit down?"

I followed him in, and, with an effort, got myself situated on the couch beside him, behind a coffee table that creaked and groaned under the weight of a stack of wallpaper patterns and fabric swatches. "Well?" I said at once, and he winced.

"Syd, please, this is- well, it's something that's been kind of bothering me for a while now. I just- I didn't want to upset you, is all."

"You're upsetting me right now," I said testily. "Pregnant or not, I can still kick you from here to Georgia with one hand tied behind my back, so you had better start talking."

"Fine. Fine, I- okay." He shook his head as if to clear it, then looked over at me. "I saw Frank a few months ago."

"Frank?"

"Sorry- Frank Lewis. He's CIA. They sent him here to get a report, and I told him everything was fine, of course. Then he suggested that we go out for coffee, and I said sure, since I didn't have anything better to do, and we ended up talking for hours. Most of it was just about how everybody was doing, and stuff like that, but- well, Frank can be a little tactless at times. That's why they won't let him interact with anybody outside the agency. Great mind, but a really uncontrollable mouth."

"I know the type," I said dryly.

"Yeah, well- he asked me if I ever- if I ever thought that you would have been happier marrying Will, maybe, or even Noah, if he hadn't turned out to be- what he turned out to be."

I blinked, bewildered.

"You said he had a great mind?"

He laughed a little. "Well, sometimes. He doesn't know us very well, remember- just the things that everybody else knows. So- he was just curious."

"You hurt him, of course?" I verify, and Mike's smile widened ever-so-slightly.

"No, I let him go without mishap."

"Well, you should have hurt him," I frowned. "But Michael, I don't see what this has to do with you staying upset for this long."

"Well," he rubbed at the back of his neck nervously, "what Frank said? It- it kind of- got to me."

"_Got_ to you?! Michael, how?!"

"Well, I don't know. It just- it keeps popping up now and then, and- and bothering me."

"Bothering you in what way, exactly? I mean, he was pretty stupid to say that, but there are a lot of stupidthings people say, so I don't see . . . how did it bother you?"

"Well, I- I can't help but- but wonder, sometimes, if maybe- well, if maybe you wouldn't have been better off to- to choose Will, or Noah."

"Michael-!" I gasped, but he rushed on, not letting me finish.

"No, I- just hear me out, Sydney, okay?"

"Of course." I said, with an effort.

"I- well, I mean, look around us! We're lying to our friends, telling them we're people we aren't. Will we lie to our child, too, Sydney? Is that what this life is going to do to us? We'll end up lying to our own little girl?"

"Boy." I corrected automatically.

"_Whatever_, Sydney!" he said, and the real frustration in his voice made me tense.

"Mike, you're actually serious?"

"Yes, Sydney! I am dead serious! Wouldn't at least like to have married somebody you could have had a real life with? Somebody you could have lived with?"

I looked at him, shocked, as he went on.

"I mean, Will, Sydney- he was your friend. And, well- you two looked great together. You really did. You- you clicked."

I thought of the familiar face I hadn't seen in four years. The face of the man who had been killed because of something I exposed him to. One of my very best friends in the whole world.

O0O0O0O

_Well I know this guy. We have a real good time, I let him get a little close  
Do I like him? Yes. Do I love him? No.  
We don't fight, and all my friends say we look good together.  
But, try as I might, I just don't see me with him forever._

O0O0O0O

I couldn't have given my life to Will. I knew that. He was one of my dearest friends, but never would I have been able to have any kind of relationship like the one I had with Mike.

"Mike . . ."

"No, let me finish. Then- Noah. You two- you had a history together. That's something special, Sydney. A history is something that never goes away."

"Don't remind me," I muttered, thinking of the man who had betrayed me. "Please- don't remind me."

"He had class, though, Sydney. He had to have. You go for the good guys. Always. He must have been fantastic."

O0O0O0O

__

Well I know this other guy, the kind that mamas like.  
He wears Armani suits, he wants to marry me, he's got money to boot.  
Imagine that I'd have a life that's easy to get used to.  
Matter of fact, there's a real good reason I don't choose to . . .

O0O0O0O

"Yeah, about as wonderful as a hole in the head," I rolled my eyes. "I could never have lived with him, Mike. He didn't care about me enough to come after me when he thought I didn't want to be with him. He wouldn't have cared enough about me to hold on even if I'd let him have me. And Will- Vaughn, you just cannot _marry_ a Will."

"But Sydney- you could have had a life with either one of them. And even if it hadn't been them- what about Danny? You were in love with him, Sydney."

Danny.

I don't think about him much anymore, to tell the truth. I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I had until Mike mentioned his name.

Danny.

He was right- I had loved Danny. Madly. More than I had loved anyone ever before, I had loved Danny. And yes, he was right- I could have had a life with Danny.

But what sort of life?

A life based on lies, on deception, mistrust, and fear? What sort of life was that?

It would have been selfish of me to drag him into that. And yet I had been ready to do so- I had wanted so badly the normalcy of a husband and a quiet, pleasant little life that I had been willing to sacrifice the man I loved to have it. But that had since changed, somehow.

O0O0O0O

_I don't want somebody hust to have somebody-  
That's how I am, I'm that kind of girl.  
Even if it takes all the time in the world._

O0O0O0O

I looked at Mike, and felt a smile tug at my mouth.

"Oh, you wonderful, wonderful idiot." I sighed, and he looked at me, startled.

"Sydney, I'm feeling a little vulnerable right now. so insults are probably not the most advisable course of action."

"Maybe not," I agreed, "But I need to tell you something, Michael Vaughn, and that is this- if you could honestly believe I would have taken any of those other men as my husbands once I knew what I could have with you, you are out of your tree. And, like it or not, you deserve to be called an idiot."

"Sydney-"

"No, Mike, it's my turn to talk now," I said firmly. "And you will listen."

He hesitated, and then nodded. "Fine. Shoot."

I took a deep breath.

"All right. Now, first of all, Mike- in some ways, you are right. Will was very special to me. Noah was- well, yes, he had class, and yes, I do have a history with him. But . . . what kind of reason is that to marry anybody? I could marry my whole high school graduating class, if I used that as a reason, and Michael," I leaned in, enunciating carefully, "high school _sucked_. And . . . Danny?"

I hesitated momentarily. I had to be honest here, but I also had to be careful that I got across the most important points.

"You're right. I loved him. I loved him dearly. He was sweet person, and he did not deserve what happened to him. And Danny, of those three, I could have lived with. But Mike?" I looked at him, begging him to see that what I was going to say now would be the truth if nothing else was. "I don't want a man I can live with. I want the man I can't live without, and that's you, Mike. It's only ever been you. It could never be anybody else."

Mike blinked, disbelieving for a second. Then he let out a whoop of joy, and, standing up, caught me in his arms as best he could with my persistent, and abundant, tummy, which insisted on remaining between us.

"You know what, Sydney Vaughn?" he asked, once he'd swung me about in a clumsy circle, and set me back on my feet.

"What?" I asked breathlessly, looking up into his eyes and wondering if I could ever love anybody else as much as I loved this man at this moment.

"I love you."

"I love you, too," I smiled. "Even when you're an idiot, I love you."

"Oh, yeah?" he arched a mock-skeptical eyebrow. "Prove it."

Laughing, I stood on my tiptoes so my belly did not present such an obstacle, and kissed him fiercely. "How was that?" I asked, once I gave in to my need for oxygen.

He pretended to consider. "I don't know. I'm not entirely convinced . . ."

"Oh, yeah?" I demanded, and pulled his face down to mine. When I finally let him go, we were both of us laughing, giddy, breathless, and very much delighted to be married to each other.

"Yeah," he agreed, "I guess you really do love me."

I looked up at him, and nodded, finally satisfied that he believed it. "And don't I know it. Now, my one and only idiot husband, why don't you sit down and help me look through wall paper samplings for our little boy?"

"Girl, Sydney, you know it'll be a girl."

"Boy."

"Girl."

"Boy."

"Girl."

"Boy . . ."

He shut me up by kissing me. Sometimes, he says, that's the only way to do it.

O0O0O0O

_I don't want a man I can live with,  
I want a love that leaves no room for doubt.  
I don't want a man I can live with,  
I want a man that I can't live without.  
_

O0O0O0O

O0O0O0O

You like? Yes? No? Saw something you think could be improved upon? In any event, please let me know!

Alias belongs to those people over at ABC Touchtone, and was created by JJ Abrams who in what was possibly a moment of temporary insanity, named his company Bad Robot Productions.

"I Want a Man" is sung by Lace, and the song expresses not only Sydney's sentiments, but my own, as well. How could anybody settle for anything less?


End file.
